October 5, 2015
I went to wonderful talk today by Preem Sadasivananda about love and relationships. He talked about how the most important relationship we have is with ourselves. In order to have a healthy relationship with ourselves we must examine ourselves. What are our needs, wants, desires, lives, hates are. We have to understand and accept our weaknesses and then we can work to overcome them.
I know this past week I was feeling very irritable and little things were annoying me. I was complaining and speaking negatively. I started feeling bad about myself for the way I was thinking and behaving. I said to my husband that I felt like a "bad" person. I turned those negative feelings I was directing outward, inward. I also had this dream where I'm in the ocean and big waves are crashing over me. I can see the shore and people waving at me but no matter now hard I try I can't get back on land. Waves just keep coming. I dive under them as they approach and pop up grateful to have not be pulled under by the strength of the wave. My husband woke me because I was breathing very erratically and he was concerned. I've been contemplating this dream a lot. I was scared in the dream. I was afraid of the force of the waves yet each time I ducked under the water I came up unscathed. There were moments of respite before the next wave came.
I know I've been feeling stressed and overwhelmed lately. But the stressful moments come and then they go. There's happiness and sadness. There's calm waters and rough seas. We will encounter hardships and stresses throughout life, it's inevitable. I want to evolve to a place where I am kind, generous and positive during moments of uncertainty rather than angry, irritable and negative. I want to be better for myself so that I can grow as a person and emit more positivity in the world.